She said, YOU WILL LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN?! Help out around the house and stop making your wife do everything. Right now Im going on over three months since shes wanted sex. Neither partner should have to feel obligated to satisfy the other out of some outmoded quasi religious relief or instruction, my wife is wonderful in many ways but now has reached, she believes, a stage[67] where she has no desire, except release masturbation , thats my misfortune but I try to understand. We males, as the so perceived alphas in these situations, just accept and go along with the flow without ever considering the other; the what if . It is an axiom of mate selection in nature that males display and females choose. Fully. You were something new, mysterious, independently confident, self-respecting, self-motivated and unpredictable. Soon thereafter, she lost interest altogether and would reject me, citing we would schedule a weekend session which never occurred. Here is the rub though. I really miss the intimacy we used to have when we were sexual. She says that its up to me to deal with it however I choose. I love it communicate, tell her how you feel. If you notice your wife acting awkward or becoming extremely tense when you try to touch her, it means she is not liking the fact that you are being physical. I do not believe love will demand it as a duty but love also doesnt hand over the relationship to the destructive forces and temptations, The older I get the more confident I am Maybe we should start a group. Never unfaithful. I had four children from a previous marriage, I had a tubal ligation reversal so we could have a child of our own, By serious good luck, we had one. I have been married since 1983. Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. Some doctors will prescribe testosterone and advise DHEA supplementation. In all likelihood, you went the extra mile to dress up for her, look good, smell good and stay groomed in anticipation of getting some action. It's a horrible feeling to want sex, but not want it with your partner. Once youre accustomed to porn, youve trained your brain to need it. The guy is a magnet! I self reflected and starting cooking again, especially on her late nights. I do, however, feel like absolute shit about the negative impact on my husband who is six years younger than me and who has always had a high (higher than mine, anyway) sex drive. This can lead to her becoming physically and emotionally distant in the marriage. I am 53 and my wife is 55. If it wasnt for this site I would had forgotten that the word sex even existed! She mentioned that I find a sex partnerI dont know. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. Womens sex drives are based on fulfilling other non sexual needs such as wedding, marriage, home ownership, babies, cars, money etc etc. Sometimes I wish he would go. You have grown as a human being . He will not talk about that either. Please help. Here are some reasons you can try if your wife doesnt initiate intimacy with you and you want her to be intimate. Because I am not attractive to her. You can be honest while also being flexible and compassionate. We love each other but no sexual contact leads to a very frustrating relationship. Then, I got a highly aggressive, estrogen- fired breast cancer. As I mentioned before, the lack of physical contact can be due to a myriad of reasons.. We often have no relationship with our partner outside of that shared with the children," OB/GYN Susan Hardwick-Smith, M.D., writes in her book Sexually Woke. But I noticed the past 3 years she has seldom initiated intimate relations, and I attribute that to she likes to use her ipad and play puzzle / word/ and brain teaser games and does surf her FB some. During the first twenty- five years of our marriage we were both church goers and sent our son to Catholic schools, but we both now feel that religion doeset always have all the answers. It is incumbent on each of us, male and/or female to strive for the new, the invigoration, the secure, the calm, the exciting, the passionate . She has no interest in any positions other than missionary even though I love other positions. Seems to me that sex is more important to most guys than it is for a woman. Below are a few potential reasons that might explain why your wife is not interested in you sexually. All rights reserved. We were together for 14 years. Initially, it probably was mostly about the sex. My husband is 46 gringo! She will not go to any therapy. "As we age, the vaginal lining becomes thinner, less elastic, and produces less moisture. 30 years in sexless marriage. 57mwm here. I am 60 and my wife has zero interest in sex, was never real sexual, but after menopause, it is zero. She just isnt attracted to me. She has very little interest in penetration. Now, for the past several months, we go to bed together and after I have fallen asleep, he starts masterbating and the shaking of the bed awakens me. He spent 100.00 on his mother as he forgot to get her a card why cant he forgive me ? See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. Somehow I thought that would be my fix. I in the same boat as your husband. How to Deal with a Sexless Marriage - Senior Planet from AARP Cheers Rl. I have often thought about having an affair but I just dont know how to approach going that direction. It will never balance out. Its been over three months since weve had sex. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because its broken down and Im emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. About ten months ago she started yelling at me whenever I put my arms around her. I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. I am not willing to live the last 15-20 years of my life without affection, at least. I said I am a human male and I have basic needs. And please dont tell me counseling. Shes my buddy. I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. But at the same time love is kind and will not guilt trip. I mistakenly intercepted several text our sense of what is expected . If he would quit his demands, realize Im not who I was, be cheerful and easy, love life and just lighten up, Id make sure he is sexually satisfied WAY MORE OFTEN. I am 50 and she is 45 but she began having the same symptom that you described. I am new to this. We went to a number of therapists but none were able to help. You know what I dont need to know the answer. Wow!!! I am afraid Buck is correct. If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. If done with the full knowledge of both partners, and always using safe sex, this would provide another solution to their dilemma. If us men were all so lucky! Weve been married for six years now and its been an abusive relationship in all types of way. I literally want sex daily and extremely sleep deprived because many nights I am rock hard all night long. It in no way makes it reasonable or responsible to simply do nothing about it If youre in a relationship, and you just throw your hands up and say, Oh, sorry about your luck honey, but were just going to carve the physical intimacy out of our relationship, and pretend it doesnt matter, then YOU, my friend, are a cruel and selfish asshole. Suggest to her that she will have control of the situation. Of course mine wont go to a therapist no matter what so apparently the problem will persist. Seems like you do not really love your husband any more. Let him know, with passion and love, that you miss *that* him . Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay, and stop being selfish! Career-wise, shes doing better than me, so hes likely out-of-my-league anyway. 3. I am familiar with all of this and I kept silent for a very long time. It's possible that you and your wife simply have different needs when it comes to sex. I understand that some people accept this type of relationship and just crave a good friend and companion for the rest of their life. for signs she is interested in someone else. Expert Lists 13 Reasons, 43 Romantic Date Night Ideas For Married Couples, 44 Unique Birthday Wishes For Husband To Convey Your Love, 33 Most Romantic Things To Do For Your Wife, The Best 51 Anniversary Wishes For Husband, 6 Facts That Sum Up The Purpose Of Marriage. Good luck. Nor, should they be. Youd do things her way, when she wanted it, or else its divorce rape in the courts. Now he tries to help, but its always falling on me, no matter the pain to do it. You need to leave her. aids that i bought. Ohio M in same situation and when I bring it up she always says well why dont you just get a divorce. Married 36 years, neither of us had sex with anyone including each other until our wedding night: It was tough, but my choice. Got thru menopause with that help. 6. I dont know why your husband would even want to be intimate with you, you sound like a harpy. Your wife never initiates physical contact - Sex feels like a chore Is your mind saying - "my wife loves me but is not sexually attracted to me?" Your wife never initiates physical contact and she does not seem excited by that idea either. Maybe have her read what you have posted here so she can see your pain all laid out with no interruptions like conversations can have when 2 people are both upset and talk at the same time. Then menopause dried it out and the muscles resist and joints spasm, so its painful. Some are related to the pressures and demands of family life. Really? Sadly so, leave! It breaks my heart because we are so happy together in every other way, but I need the physical intimacy and to be desired and sex is something I enjoy and I feel like he is withholding it. Any discussion goes nowhere. Reality, we can go easy one yr without sex, he doesnt touch me,nada! I try to get used to it. Perhaps every month or so she gives me a handjob, rarely a BJ. Were communicating better but no changes to our sex life even though he has plenty of blue pills. Married 50years and our sex life never really got going. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing. Now it is back to looking at every other couple as maybe having something unattainable for me and my Wife. Due to major health issues and aging, we just quit altogether. She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. Just feel I want to hide away as I know this is not normal . I just dont understand. What to about it: Learn how to make a woman have an orgasm and how to make sex better for women. Do I disgust her? It doesnt necessarily make it better but it makes sense. Be loving. The best thing to do when y our partner doesn't want to be intimate is to ask them about it, point blank. Laura. And he wonders why Im ill sometimes?? The only difference is that if we separate I will not have the van!! But for women, its quite different. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. My wife of 35 years and I have always had difficulty sexually. Working with a therapist will help you learn to ask her how she prefers to be touched and help empower her to guide you. Your wife may have become so involved in raising the kids that her relationship with you takes a backseat. But at 50 she started to loose interest and dry up. I think the resolve here is to tell the parent who is confiding in you to seek professional help, and then bud out. What to do about it: Using lube can help immensely with vaginal dryness and pain, and including more clitoral stimulation and sex toys can help make sure sexual experiences continue to be pleasurable for your wife. Were currently stuck at #3, but I have a feeling #1 is gaining ground and will ultimately prevail. My wife and my sex life was pretty damn good before she developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, even though she went through early menopause (in her 40s). She told me that women need estrogen their whole lives, not just up to menopause. Please ask your husband if hell see a counselor with you to save your marriage. Someone on the side. More men need to leave their wives when they wont have sex with them. Ive been thinking about wanting a second child seven years after I gave birth to our first one. Ive moved on!!! etc. Do we cheat and risk hurting our wives and husbands? To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). 24 years younger than I. She always had 2 orgasms before me. . Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. Please, do us all a favor and retire from the one thing you SHOULD be retiring from-giving advice. I have spoken to my wife several times. Life is complicated at every age but I think as people age, hormone levels drop of course and the baggage of decades gone by begins to weigh heavy on both parties. Both men and women lose sex drives some times, but with proper nutrition and exercise etc it can be reclaimed. If it was the husband doing that wives would be screaming How dare You. In addition to working with individuals in her private practice, Kelly serves as the Sex & Relationships Editor at mindbodygreen. I look good for my age and am so tempted to look for another relationship. Or you can try and find a willing partner. She is unhappy with your lack of hygiene, 12. I am fairly attractive and I. Senior Planet Community is our social media platform designed specifically for older adult users. Its not always the woman who has no interest. If that is in fact part of the problem, then there nothing that I can do or hope to do. If hes not willing to seek medical help and take pills to be able to have sex, the frustration amd resentment will be so much. I set up a Revenge cheat. First, that every interaction will be based on trust. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. She is BI/Sexual she said & needs a women or two..So that leads me to find some one else or join in that the only way i get some sex from herSo Monica & Pamela Start looking for some Bi/sexual or Gay Women.Their only an Orgasm a way!!! For me and many others, this is a serious problem and we are, well, desperate for solutions. Susan I think many men would find your comments upsetting. I understand your pov at a level you may not understand (sorry) or appreciate. Key points. Always happy to help. 39 TRUST ME RUN Dont walk Dont ruin your life!!!! You both shatter into a million pieces, and when you emerge from the depths of pain for air, you find that though you are still in love with each other, nothing will ever be the same again. But he keeps wanting to try and work on it and cant seem to accept that Im changing as I grow old. so that leaves to so totally frustrated angry resentful and I hate to say it but it is beginning to I think turn to I hate her. Or should I just accept her celibacy and masturbate when I need release? Id be interested to find out your age. A free doctor approved gut health guide featuring shopping lists, recipes, and tips. It sounds like there are many many committed marriages but seemingly to unwise and probably unloving spouses. So I explained this to her and said if she cannot work it out with me I would have to find some other way. We both have health issues I think it was a relief for him because he was not much into sex. Nerves responsible for pleasure become less prominent and less sensitive. I became so dry that sex was painful, we tried different lubricants but nothing really helped much. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. But, do not sell yourself. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. This is sad. If that is not possible, it may be too late. The two C words! 16 years being married. I really miss a girlfriend I used to have who loved giving me oral sex. If there's no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and you've realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobology's panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. Sometimes when a woman becomes a mother, it can affect the way she sees herselfand the way her partner sees her. Im so confused. That said, you should also think about how youre trying to arouse your wife. It is not fair that I have to take care of it by myself! If your wife wont have sex with you, try not to jump to accusations, as this usually only makes things worse. Hormones. When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? So, while some continue to coax and prod their spouses to get them in the mood, others resign to fate and either make peace with a sex-starved existence or look for gratification elsewhere. Ill be living in a van down by the river if we separate. I know we are very different people and and I am not trying to change her as much as letting her know the effects of being so distant and often dismissing my feelings yet I have to be totally responsive to her to keep her happy. I certainly feel your pain and utter frustration. Yes! He is a kind man and I love him. But men also have 12-15 times more testosterone than women far higher sex drives and are capable of siring hundreds of times more children than women are capable of bearing. Nor, is it a reasonable demand that you need (should) accept. He had at least 9 different jobs, years of unemployment with me working overtime 12 hrs night shifts (RN here). In case you have nothing to hide, work on communication exercises with your partner to be able to tell her that there is no need for trust issues. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. What should the husband do. I dont thinks this was the place to sound your horn (pun). She wont talk about it and claims she desires no intimacy. My husband and I are working on these issues now, and it takes some serious ,painful discussion. Resentment in the marriage eventually leads to conflict and arguments. Women fall in love with their husbands have kids and having kids taking care of the kids 99.99% and working full time or taking some class to better your job. I dont want and will not ever get a divorce. 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. We dated for 30 years and finally got married. I cant live another 30 years with him like thus. That was almost 50 years ago, I dont live in he house with her. You said, So my question to the men here. Ive slept in my own bedroom for 43 of those years. Why waste your money and time on hookerd? stop insultiing cats. The more I got, the more I wanted. This is really excellent advice. I desire tenderness and affection, not just an orgasm. I am desperate. If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. Would you expect your wife to attach as much emotional significance to cooking dinner as to making love? Both 39 years oldI just suffer in silence. I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. I appreciate there are many reasons MANY reason wives dont want sex and No one can or should force them to have to sex. Although he acts like he doesnt notice and maybe he dont. I *must* woo my wife, always. I think he wanted to stay in his marriagemainly I think b/c his wife earns well (makes more money than him). Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? Arguments and maltreatment are nothing to put up with. Denied the enjoyment, should they be expected to put the same effort into the preparation? Wow. Our sex life slowed, separated, and each found partners. Except that one little thing. The difference is that men feel selfish and entitled, as if sex is only for their pleasure, something women do for them, hence the phrase put out. married 57 years. Sorry about no sex demise. During our engagement I made it crystal clear that my sex drive was high & she was the perfect woman to relieve it. Shame on all you women who have men that are committed and loving to you!! You and your husband need to take some hours to reconnect, or try to reconnect, with the people you believe yourself to have been when you first fell in love with each other. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and are concerned that my wife wont touch me sexually, youre not alone. As your wife pushes you away, you might feel tempted to use porn, but porn robs you of genuine desire for your wife. So, maybe you need to think about going back to being friends and not husband and wife? Yeah Andrew me too. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? Really, I may as well just be rooming with a friend at this point in the game. I love her. Ive tried vacations, dates, sex toys, lubricants, vitamins, blah blah blah..when a gal is not sexually attracted to you and is generally more than willing to never have sex again cuz (insert the reason I dont understand here) shes not going to change at 70. For many of us, male and female, the virtue of sex resides in the shared experience. Simply, and probably naively, the answer to your question is, NO, it is *not* my right, nor in any way acceptable. He is older than I am but even when we were younger, he was like that. I wouldnt even care if he watched or joined. And cheating isnt an option either. I almost wish I were. Most women are unforgiving and never say theyre sorry for the crap they pull, and stop providing or enjoying sex on that basis. Men you just need to treat her like you used to treat her before you married her every day and she will keep treating you like she did before you married her. Zimmerman also recommends getting some time away from the kids regularly so that you can re-immerse yourselves in your identities as individuals and as a couple outside of your roles as parents. Agree Sean. I cannot believe that is wasnt suggested that the LWs wife work with a functional doctor who can work with plant based bio identical hormones that can probably increase her desire. My wife never touches me anymore after weve had our child, Greg told us. Love will always outweigh the brief pleasure that $$ and status can provide. If you notice intimacy is fading from your marriage, heres what to do when your wife wont touch you. I cannot take any form of estrogen and I literally have lost all desire. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. Read the first sentence again. My situation isnt as severe as many here. Feel like I wasted my life!!! We had a fantastic time learning each other and how to do it together! We signed for our first mortgage when she was in ICU with fourth-stage cancer. 3, stop calling her names and no more fights with give you more chances of having sex with her that night. Men are not brain dead. I so badly need a woman I love my wife dearly after 52 years and great grandchildren I would have my junk removed before I hurt my family and our long marriage is a point of great pride and example for these people God allowed us to have in our lives. Its not that hes a bad person hes not but at this point hes kind of like a zombie. As sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, once told mbg, "There's a two-way relationship between relationship satisfaction and sexual desire.". If you are not communicating about this, nothing will change. I suggested just me doing him and he close his eyes and touch me nope. Feel like I have him a lifetime!!! You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. Same issue here. If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. I cuttle with her, hold her close, hold her hand in public and we talked about it. The distance could be herway of punishing you and teaching you a lesson. Thomas, I agree! As a socialite in many women sponsored events, I believe her marriage status is important in her social circle than her marriage itself. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. They can go months and years without sex and then the menopause hits and then theyre completely done. Thank you Jeff! My wife and I now both sleep with settled stomachs (and I dont wake hungry in the night). After being away for a month I lay there hoping to speak to to my wife and greet her in the morning after a long nights sleep. She saw her doctor and prescribed a lube but it irritated her. Take what you can, now. No way! I am 66 and my wife is 62. When I wanted to leave, the only family I had told me theyd not support me whatsoever and just shut up grow up and deal with it and Id better do whatever it took to keep the husband. I hear a lot of men on here talk of leaving their wives over this. When we were young, we had sex every single day. Its important to understand the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. A lot of my friends say their husbands are like that, too. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and your wife doesnt want sex anymore, it may be time to consider marriage counseling. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. Some women have no idea of how belittled this makes a man feel, and its not just a matter of getting our rocks off since we can do that ourselves.