Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. Like my mother for example? Its like my old AC all over again. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! Hard pass! so sad. Hes very good at what he does and I admire that, so I figured he was a good guy, which I know isnt always true. Id be cutting my nose off to spite my face. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. endstream endobj startxref These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Thank you so much. If this guy is attracted to a narcissistic sadist, good riddance. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. What a bullet you dodged. Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. In any case, I can sympathize with the trauma you must have gone through with such a parent. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. Ciembithat truly sucks. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. you wont because youre wise and loyal to your friend but I wonder how many others of her friends he has managed to do this too. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. My prayers for you continue. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. They prevent the other party from repairing the relationship. You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. I understand the need not to repeat bad experiences. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. The urge remains to call him and ask, Can you help me make sense of what happened? He just kept saying we could get together and talk. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. Let him live with that. Closure? Be grateful he is gone and you dodged a bullet. Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. Your response is keeping me strong. Thinking about what you're actually upset about or why you had that reaction to something that's seemingly minor can help you figure out what's actually at the root of the issue. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. Nat This post was interesting to read as I am 2yrs out of a break-up & happy to be single most of the time but there are times when the past relationship or should I say the EX-EUM still haunts my thoughts. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. The more you try to chase those feelings away, the more they remain. NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. There is a silver lining to everything. Grace Thank you. There were only two or three large employers so it was almost inevitable. He has shown you who he is, now act on it! In the speech, "A Toast to the Oldest Inhabitant: The Weather of New England", Twain uses satire to criticize poets . He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. This is great! Peace. dont care, dont care, dont care. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. Knowing what sorts of things might mean that youre holding a grudge, even if you dont think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. I no longer feel he is even my father. Hes done this before. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. Im sorry for you too. No theological debates on here, God forbid. If this person being in my life only brought me pain, why would I go back when I can move forward? And awareness. Not an easy road, but doable. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. I still think the work one is tricky but when I lived on a small island people met at work all the time, got married, had children and continued to work in the same office. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689. Hes an ass. Be clear about boundaries. information submitted for this request. Its also not a punishment. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. *Get a journal. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. But if you feel like you need to (or want to) cancel plans with someone, you might want to reflect a bit more on the reason why. For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. I coach clients on this issue as well. I still get upset, but less frequently. %PDF-1.6 % I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. But, same thing happens, again and again. I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. Ready. Click here for an email preview. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. For example, Ive begun to pray for my enemies, including childhood abusers. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. But. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. No more contact. . This after calling me Satans spawn at one point for me not being as infuriated as she was at a woman who suggested that my aunts 5$ haircut wasnt the most stylish thing shed ever seen. I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. And things are not black and white, people are complex, situations are complex (and a lot of information and detail is missing from my post, otherwise it would just be too long). I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. Im still confused tho Nat. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. %%EOF How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. FLUSH. Thanks again! she is at the core of my estrangemnt frm my son (iniated by my son as much he doesnt know & I cannot tell him or will only taumatise him). I dont like to be around you. Unsubscribe at any time. 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex, Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man, Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup, Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But Im Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But Youre Still Broken Up, Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesnt Exist, Uncover, unpack and declutter the emotional baggage thats holding you back in 5 short audio sessions, Get to know yourself on a deeper level and learn my simple yet powerful emotional decluttering methods, Put healthy boundaries in place and start being more of the person you really are. A lot less drama. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. What a shame! He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! Friends, work colleagues whom he had no reason to get involved with only to act the victim. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. NC is your most powerful action. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. If never letting go of slights is referred to as holding grudges, what's it called when you'll always remember a kindness someone did you? Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. You can draw a boundary without being bitter. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. That way he cant send you any! He does not mean you well. Thank you. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. Thank you, Yoghurt- Your post makes 100% sense. A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. Youve said it a million times: No thanks, I dont want to do it. Youve told someone they have hurt you or been unfair. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. Improved mental health. Fortunately, I am was emotionally sober enough to realize that he was just trying to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wants despite the torture it puts me through. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. You think. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. So she knows whats really going on. There is a problem with And yet, when it comes to forgiveness, we dont think that it means anything unless we can hoodwink ourselves into liking it. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. We met a few times. Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Should I break the no contact? Cut your losses, beautiful lady, and remain NC. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. I have my dignity-you are correct. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? I will not let this experience defeat me. That would be a mistake. Thanks for your well thought out post. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. Until one day, after months, or years, that dealer comes back. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. Thank you so much for putting it into words. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. And dont feel bad, and stop making yourself wrong to please someone who fd up, even if it was the past. Realize this. Its also not a dating handbook. We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. CC, I laughed when you said he reminded you of the guys on Big Bang Theory. I got bored and stopped replying. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). He had no answer to that so I walked away. . Read about the narcissist smear campaign. Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. Always follow your instincts. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. Youre right. Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. I can see myself also potentially being fooled into thinking new intensity means dropping the act. Your post was educational. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). Probably a Narc, with more baggage than an airport. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! It focuses on the wrong thing. i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. When we walk down the street hes always constantly commenting about how hot every woman we pass is and even runs up to some of them and gives them his number and asks them to meet up later (he does this at LEAST once every time we meet up) and then he looks at me and my shocked face and then laughs. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Dont take your first attempt. P.S. Ive been there. Of course, thats easier said than done.Forgiving doesnt mean you forget what happened, or that youve decided it wasnt actually that bad. Frustrating! Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. But thats just me. I felt so stupid and violated. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. Lisa- No, do not break NC. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. so I dropped him. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. privacy practices. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. With all of my relationships Im the same way. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? Its true that I want to leave with him thinking of me as a good person. No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. Grudges aren't uncommon. Hugs xx. Thanks a lot for your insights, they are always appreciated. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level.